My maternal grandfather was quite a character. He sometimes referred to other men that he respected as “tough old birds.” I think that definition applied to him as well as anyone. He knew my parents were trying hard to teach us to behave appropriately, and since he wasn’t too inclined toward religious practice, he took it upon himself to make sure we had a sufficient taste of the real world to be “normal.” Usually this “education” came in the form of a joke he would tell us when he didn’t think our parents or my grandmother were listening. Grandma had a very keen ear to most things grandpa was about to share with us. We heard her on several occasions yelling from the kitchen; “Now Goldie, don’t be telling those boys bad stories!” We knew grandpa loved us and had no intent to do us harm. Much of what he said was just a reflection of his own life experience, but he spent much of his life doing good for others.
Most of grandpa’s jokes probably shouldn’t be repeated, but some things he said were not only funny, but taught some valuable life lessons. One of his stories has stuck with me for over fifty years.
When Grandpa was a young man, his parents would always tell him to be good. If he was obedient and acted as they wished, they would give him a nickel. “You aren’t like I was,” he would say as he pointed to me and my brothers. “We don’t have to give you a nickel, cuz you are good for nothing.” I was never sure that was a compliment, but thinking the best of myself, I always took it as one. As I have gotten older and had my own children and grandchildren, I have thought more deeply about what he said. His joke may have some real relevance to our lives.
Should we be paid to be good? I’m reminded of what Pavlov taught us about training dogs. He taught them to behave in certain ways by giving them treats associated with their behavior. It works for dogs! How about kids? When kids are small, we often “bribe” them to behave in certain ways by handing out “treats” of various kinds. But if you have had as many kids as I have, you soon figure out that kids are not just reacting to stimuli like dogs. They can think for themselves and project reactions of parents based on their response. Give a kid a treat every time they do something good, and pretty soon, there will be some kids that never do anything good until they are promised a treat. When they are not promised a treat they may actually start misbehaving until they get the result they want. It can turn into a long drawn out battle, where no one wins and no good behaviors are enforced. It becomes a form of entitlement that becomes very difficult to change.
Real character comes from teaching kids that good behavior and character are developed from inside. If we teach that we are children of God and then reinforce that doctrine by asking kids how they think their Father in Heaven would like them to act, they can eventually internalize that behavior and begin to see themselves as a very important person worthy of His trust. They will start to behave as He would want because they have desires to become like Him. Through this teaching and experience, they prepare themselves to make sacred covenants with him and learn to look outward to see what they can give to others, instead of always trying to see what they can get for themselves.
I am a big fan of treats—especially for myself—but when they are mostly tied to my behavior, they can become a distraction from a more meaningful experience. In the best case scenario, we can teach our kids to recognize that being “good for nothing” is not for nothing at all. It is a process to help us become like our Heavenly Parents. It puts the emphasis on who we become in eternity, not on what we get in mortality. I fully understand it can be a difficult lesson for young children, but almost everything that has eternal value is difficult.
I hope my grandpa was right. I think I like being good for nothing.
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Jerry is the author of “Partners with God, Using His Teachings and Example to Raise Our Kids” and has been a guest speaker at numerous gatherings, firesides and organization events, as well as working as a facilitator for individual families.
Jerry and his wife Melanie are the parents of 12 children and currently have 13 grandchildren.