I do not like avocados or guacamole! I think it is the color, or maybe the texture. It might just be that they don’t really taste like much to me. If I am going to eat something creamy and smooth I’ll choose tapioca pudding every time. My wife can’t begin to imagine that I don’t like the green fruit (or whatever it is). She blames it on a lack of sophistication or just my general bad taste. Once in a while she will claim it is because I grew up in a very small town and probably never saw an avocado in my formative years! (She might be right). I never take it personally, and I won’t be harassed into changing my opinion. I choose not to eat avocados or guacamole.
All of us have distinct likes and dislikes. We have preferences for food, clothing, hair styles, colors, cars, music etc. Just about everything available to us allows us to make choices. Making our own choices is a very important part of developing our independence and personal identity. We are born with a desire to choose for ourselves. When others try and take away our choices or keep us from having the right to choose at all, we often mightily resist whatever they are trying to “force” us to do. Each time my wife tells me that I’m goofy for not eating avocados, I get more determined to avoid them. If I have tried them and don’t like them, any effort to persuade me otherwise is completely counterproductive. This is especially the case with teenagers. During these very formative years, they need the opportunity to make choices on their own and learn to live with the outcome. It helps them make better choices as adults.
When young people are offered a lot of choices with no real pressure as to which things they should prefer, they develop an ability to distinguish what they like and dislike, and become more open to trying new things and developing their own tastes. A friend of mine likes to call these choices “red” or “blue”. They are choices of personal preference, which have little or no moral value.
When no pressure to choose red or blue is exercised, kids have a tendency to develop similar likes and dislikes as their parents. When pressure to conform is added, many of those same kids will choose things contrary to their parents’ choices, and sometimes they will make choices that they are certain will create stress in the parent / child relationship just to show they can make their own choices. Their personal right to choose is worth more to them than conforming to please a parent.
In addition to red and blue choices, there are also choices that are right and wrong. Some examples are telling lies, stealing, participating in unlawful behaviors or showing disrespect and intolerance of others. The list can be very long. Our understanding of what choices are right and wrong are embedded in our being. We call it our conscience, or the light of Christ. Every person born into the world (barring some genetic malformation) has it. A very important part of our mortal development is to learn to make choices that we feel are right. These lead us to greater knowledge and happiness. Choosing things that are right increases our confidence and sense of self worth, which creates an influence for good in our own life and the lives of those around us. This is called living with integrity, or, having our actions match our deepest beliefs.
Here is the beauty of raising kids. If we allow them the opportunity at an early age to make “red” and “blue” choices, they will learn from experience how those choices impact their lives. It is a wonderful time to let them practice choosing, because the choices they make are largely irrelevant.
As kids get older, if they have been given the opportunity to make a lot of red and blue choices, they are less inclined to feel the need to exert their right to choose on the things that really matter. Once they understand how choices work, they are more inclined to follow counsel about choices that are “good” and “bad”. From an early age, they can learn to use their agency fighting to choose the right, rather than fighting for the right to choose. If they feel their choices are taken away from them, they will often make bad choices—even if they know they are bad—because making their own choice is more important to them than making the right choice. If they have always been given the right to choose, they are better prepared to focus on the value of the choice and not on whether or not they get to make it.
So how do we help them make the right “moral” choices? If they know we have always been willing to let them choose (“red” and “blue”) they will be more apt to believe that the right and wrong choices are theirs to make also. And they are! If they are bent on making bad choices there is very little a parent can do. They learn to be very good at telling lies, sneaking out, covering up, etc. All of this is done in defiance of being “told what to do.”
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tead of trying to enforce good choices and good behavior, the focus of parents should now be on teaching. If we have a very good explanation of WHY we think they should choose right over wrong and we can give them some examples from our own life and the lives of others, rational children will likely believe us and decide to choose the right. If they feel like we are just trying to control their choices (and behaviors) they will be more likely to choose the wrong.
So while they are young, try to give children every opportunity to make choices, and then let them live with the consequence of those choices. This practice prepares them for the big decisions later in life. And if the choices have little consequence– like personal tastes– be supportive of what they choose. It doesn’t make them a bad person if they don’t like guacamole!
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Jerry is the author of “Partners with God, Using His Teachings and Example to Raise Our Kids” and has been a guest speaker at numerous gatherings, firesides and organization events, as well as working as a facilitator for individual families.
Jerry and his wife Melanie are the parents of 12 children and currently have 13 grandchildren.