Some years ago our family took in three wonderful foster kids that are biological sisters. It feels weird to call them “foster” now, as they have been a vital part of our family for 14 years. All three are married now and there are five grandchildren between them. I felt very inadequate at the time as a parent, with nine other kids (and a few nieces and friends thrown in at times). Adding three more to the mix, I figured I better learn how to do this parenting thing!
I read quite a few books on it from various sources, then one day it occurred to me that the best source for learning to parent is our Heavenly Father! It seems obvious now that I should have thought of that first, but I don’t think very many of us do.
I started to reread the scriptures again with an emphasis on what they taught about being a great parent. I was shocked and surprised! I had grown up in a Latter Day Saint culture, and there always seemed to be a sense that good kids were the result of good parents, even though there were lots of examples of kids that didn’t follow the “party line”. No one ever said (out loud at least) that the parents were to blame, but there was always a little competitive sense of who the successful parents were based on the good things their kids had done in life.
So based on my thought process, I tried to find good parents in the scriptures, using the evidence of them having good kids as the means of showing their success. There were VERY FEW examples of that pattern! What I found instead was a significant amount of really good people (and prophets) who didn’t have kids turn out so well. Here are a couple of examples:
- GOD. His children rebelled, and a full 1/3 of them were kicked out of His house without any offer for them to return! (For us, that meant we would have to boot 4 kids out the door—we didn’t!) We were already doing pretty well.
- ADAM. His kids didn’t like each other and one of them (Cain) killed his brother (Abel). Ouch! No murders in our home—yet!
- JACOB. He was later named Israel and had 12 sons. Having more than one wife probably helped keep them in check, but out of jealousy, eleven of them sold their younger brother into slavery. No kid sales in our house! (Wait—I haven’t seen James in a while, better check with my wife).
- LEHI. If you’ve read the Book of Mormon, you know the story. Couple of pretty good kids, and a couple of really rotten ones. Fights, threats and a final separation that turned them into enemies for generations, including wars that took the lives of thousands!
- ALMA. He had a son that the Book of Mormon called “the vilest of sinners.” There is a title for you! I’ve heard some bad words and seen some things I wasn’t happy about with my kids, but I don’t think any have risen to “vilest of sinners” level.
These are just a few of the examples. There are plenty more. When I look at that list of parents, I don’t think of them as “bad people” or “bad parents.” Maybe I was focusing on the wrong criteria for measuring successful parents?
So if focusing on great parents having great kids is not the right approach, what should we focus on? Maybe we should stop focusing on the hoped for outcome with our kids, and focus more on ourselves and the process and principles we should follow. From my reading, the information below is what that process looks like to me based on the scriptures and what has been revealed about the Plan of Salvation.
The Three principles I will address below are expounded on more fully in the book: “Partners With God, Using His Teaching and Example to Raise our Kids.” My intent here is to give a very brief overview (and encourage you to read the book!)
FIRST, parents should LOVE. God’s motivation for having children and creating an earth (“home”) for them is love. He is giving them an opportunity to grow and progress using His resources to allow them to have experiences and learn valuable lessons. He continues to show them that love by providing a way for them to repent after making mistakes and—after learning to be obedient—return back to His presence and even become like Him! He sent His only begotten son in the flesh to suffer and die in their behalf so they could have these blessings.
LOVE = SACRIFICE. Sacrifice with pure intent is the very heart of parenting. If we are only thinking about the value that kids bring to us instead of the sacrifice we are willing to make for them, rational people will not have children. And guess what? They aren’t! In first world countries, the birth rate is at an all time low. Dogs and Cats cost way less than children and rarely argue with you when they are 15 years old! To those uncommitted to the Plan of Salvation, animals are a much wiser choice.
SECOND, parents should TEACH. The major issue that caused the great battle in Pre earth life was whether or not we got to choose for ourselves. It is called Agency. The right to choose can only be effectively put into play when we understand the choices—and the possible consequences of those choices. Without knowledge, agency becomes a game of chance, like game showing guessing what is behind door number 1.
Good parents will spend considerable time teaching the Plan of Salvation. When rightly understood, this plan will allow our kids to make decisions based on what they want for their future and for Eternity. Boyd K. Packer said: “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behaviors. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior.” A clear understanding of what it is we are choosing between makes us better able to make a good choice. When they are taught, children feel empowered by using agency to make choices that bless their lives.
The same is true with all knowledge. We can create a home curriculum that allows our children to learn everything they need to know about being happy and successful in life. If the teaching is done in a positive way, our children will likely be motivated to use their knowledge and choice to grow and progress. In my scripture reading I learned that Nephi had “…been taught in all the learning of his father.” Enos and many others were likewise instructed by fathers. Great parents are serious about teaching their children.
THIRD, parents should allow their kids to CHOOSE. This is parenting in the major leagues! Allowing for choice—especially when you know there is a genuine risk that the choice will be bad—is a very hard thing to do. Loving parents often want to eliminate all the possible problems that come from bad choices. In the scriptures, I learned about someone else who had that same idea in the Pre-mortal life. You may have heard of him. His name was Satan.
Allowing kids to choose does not mean allowing them to avoid consequence. Choice has consequence. Always. That is part of the teaching we should do. Just like God does, we can establish rules and guidelines for them to follow that have specific consequences. Mostly we want them to be based in blessings. The scriptures give numerous examples of this. Sometimes the consequences are in the form of a clear warning. There are lots of those examples too.
The key is to focus on teaching kids about the blessings and consequences of their choices, instead of trying to enforce good behavior. The greatest lessons in their life will come from learning to choose the “sweet” after they have tried the “bitter.” Great parents allow for choice and then—as needed—administer consequences. Hopefully they will mostly be in the form of blessings and opportunities.
There is the familiar pattern. Love them, Teach them and let them Choose. I am certain that this is exactly what the best parent (Heavenly Father) has done for us. Sometimes we may have to cover our eyes so we don’t have to watch!
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Jerry is the author of “Partners with God, Using His Teachings and Example to Raise Our Kids” and has been a guest speaker at numerous gatherings, firesides and organization events, as well as working as a facilitator for individual families.
Jerry and his wife Melanie are the parents of 12 children and currently have 13 grandchildren.