I have often been surprised by the very different responses that people have to the same circumstances. Some see an occurrence as a wonderful thing, while others think it is terrible. It is obviously an issue of perception. Our life experience helps us to determine how we respond to circumstances and whether we see them in a good or bad light.
The journals of our pioneer ancestors offer some good examples. The journey from Nauvoo to the Salt Lake Valley was too much for some to bear, so they struggled and complained. Some turned back and others stopped and settled along the way. Amongst those who moved forward were many who saw the hand of the Lord in ways that changed their perception and their family legacy for generations.
The scriptures also show us examples of this pattern, and may help us understand things that determine how we perceive our experience. When Lehi announced his intention to take his family into the wilderness, the response from his children was to be expected and varied a great deal between them. Nephi immediately sought to understand why they had been commanded to leave and made efforts to “see the things his father saw.” Laman and Lemuel started complaining.
Nephi’s desire for understanding gave him an opportunity to see a remarkable vision (like his father had) and it changed his perception—and his level of commitment to “go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded.” Laman and Lemuel never sought the same vision or understanding, and even later told Nephi when he asked if they “had inquired of the Lord” that the “Lord maketh no such thing known unto them.” In our family, we use a quote that we heard a long time ago: “The answer is always no if you don’t ask.” In the case of Nephi’s brothers, there was no asking, and there was no knowing.
I have wondered as I have read this Lehi experience if Laman and Lemuel didn’t ask—and therefore didn’t know—because they already had an idea of what the answer would be, and they didn’t want to be accountable to that answer. They didn’t want to leave Jerusalem—for any reason—and so they made the choice to reject the idea outright and put the blame on their parents and brother. This example has led me to teach my children that the first two signs of irresponsibility are anger and blame.
There is further evidence of this in their journey when Nephi became so frustrated with their bad attitudes that he told them to go back to Jerusalem. If they didn’t want to follow their father, they should just go home. They declined the offer and kept up the murmuring. Why? I believe they were afraid that the prophecy of their father might be true. If Jerusalem was to be destroyed, they would be in a bad spot if they returned. That still wasn’t enough motivation for them to seek their own understanding and then commit to doing the right thing. As long as they didn’t really know for themselves, they could pretend they were not responsible for their behavior. It is always easier to be frustrated at your circumstances and blame others than it is to be accountable to seek answers for yourself and then make choices based on what you come to know.
The same thing happened with the children of Israel. Moses invited them to prepare themselves to go with him to the top of the mountain to seek the face of the Lord. (Exodus 20:21) They told him to go ahead and talk to the Lord and come back and tell them what the Lord said. I don‘t think they really wanted to know. As a consequence, they didn’t get the full blessing. The answer they got may have required them to do some hard things that they didn’t want to do. It was easier to blame their issues on Moses –or the Lord—and be angry and rebellious when being told what they should do—even though it was a “lesser law.” What the Lord required was irrelevant. Their attitude and level of personal responsibility didn’t change.
The “Natural Man” always seeks to avoid responsibility. He would rather continue to live in the easier path of no growth than the harder path of sanctification. Rather than acknowledge what is real, he can just pretend that he doesn’t really know and therefore can’t be accountable. Ignorance is no excuse for the violation of the law. Especially when the ignorance is feigned because the access to knowledge is readily available.
This anger and blame pattern can become a good barometer of our own behavior. When we get angry at some issue in our life and then look to blame others, we would do better to consider whether or not we have been given the answer or the opportunity to gain the answer to solve our own problem. If we have, and didn’t act accordingly, the blame should reside directly with us.
A good example of the opposite of this anger and blame is found in the New Testament at the account of the Last Supper. Jesus told his disciples that one of them was to betray him that very night. The response of those closest to him was not: “I’ll bet it is Judas, he never really believed in you.” Instead they asked: “Is it I?” I believe they wanted to know so they could do all in their power to avoid that terrible act.
Seeking the Lord and all good things often requires us to want to know, and then to be willing to take responsibility for that knowledge once we receive it. The prophet Joseph Smith taught: “A man cannot be saved in ignorance.” He might have also added that a man cannot be saved once he has knowledge and refuses to make serious efforts to abide by it.
We will do well, to consider how we respond to difficult circumstances in our life. Some of those circumstances might be our own creations. Self reflection about our own behavior and our response to others around us in moments of challenge and change can help us to strengthen our commitment to move forward in faith, and lessen the urge to get frustrated and point a finger at others.
Integrity and personal responsibility are difficult things sometimes, but they will always bless our lives more than anger and blame.
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Jerry is the author of “Partners with God, Using His Teachings and Example to Raise Our Kids” and has been a guest speaker at numerous gatherings, firesides and organization events, as well as working as a facilitator for individual families.
Jerry and his wife Melanie are the parents of 12 children and currently have 13 grandchildren.