Boys are mischievous. It seems like they have a genetic predisposition to look for ways to create some trouble somewhere between the ages of 3-12. Around the age of 12 they lose the mischievous nature, and it turns outright criminal! We used to say “boys will be boys” because that kind of behavior was expected, and it was usually accurate. A friend of mine once told me that, when it comes to boys being responsible for helping out, one boy equals a full boy; two boys equals half a boy; and three boys equals no boys at all! These days some want to call it “Toxic Masculinity.” I’ll let others worry about how to define that. (I will admit here that I was no different than the rest of the boys at that age. I have friends that will claim I was worse, but that is an obvious effort on their part to deflect attention away from their own bad behavior).
In my life, this juvenile behavior showed itself when my older sister first got her driver’s license. She didn’t know much about cars (or how to drive them —as it turned out), and we younger brothers knew everything! (This knowing everything trait usually kicks in during teenage years, but we were ahead of the curve). We made every effort to interfere with her driving skills as she drove us places my mother had authorized. This behavior was funny to us, and evidence of how smart we were.
Our favorite trick was to hit our hand against the door in rapid succession to make a thumping sound and then tell her we probably had a flat tire. She would always get nervous and slow down, even pulling to the side of the road once to check. After several incidents, she figured out it was us and, after berating us a little, began to completely ignore our comments. (Years later I noticed that this same practice of ignoring comments is used by wives dealing with their husbands. Maybe that behavior is a genetic predisposition too—-but I digress. I am letting my wife read this post by the way—she’ll probably ignore that comment).
Here is the point. My sister was conscientious and didn’t want to mess up by driving on a flat tire. She was overly cautious, because she had some idea that continuing to drive on a flat tire would not only do damage to the tire—and maybe the car—but may also put us in danger of accident, injury or death. She was being smart by making sure she didn’t do something dumb.
Years later, after having several of my own kids, I started to notice something about my parenting. As I was trying to be conscientious about the behaviors of my children, I could see a lot of things that made me wonder if one of them had a “flat tire.” It was usually in the form of a behavior that was not appropriate such as short bursts of anger, misbehaving in a classroom, hoarding or hiding something in their room, being especially sensitive or mean to a sibling, etc. The list could go on and on! I was very nervous about the damage that might be caused if we continued to drive on a “flat tire” that a child had.
Through many years (and kids), it became obvious to me that there were a lot more thumps on the door than there were flat tires. Kids go through a variety of growth experiences and work through them mostly on their own and within a pretty short period of time if they are in a secure and supportive environment. We are so anxious to make sure we don’t do damage, that we are always checking for flat tires and worrying that we might cause further damage.
Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes there are flat tires, but most of those times, the thumping will get worse and more persistent, until it is very obvious that we need to stop for “repairs.” Our own experience coupled with seeking advice from others who have had flat tires, will help us to figure out if there is a real problem, or just an annoying thump where we just need to drive a little further until it goes away.
It is fun to be a grandparent now and have my children call to tell me of some thumping noises they are hearing with their kids. My advice to them usually starts in the form of a couple questions. How long has the thumping noise been going on? Is it a small noise or really loud? Is anyone else being affected by the thumping? Is there obvious physical damage? In most cases the discussion ends with my advice to make sure the child in question is feeling love and support and not doing obvious physical or emotional damage to themself. If those criteria are met, I recommend they just keep driving.
More often than not, we will talk a few days or weeks afterward on a different subject, and I will ask about the thumping noise. It is not uncommon for them to respond that the noise went away, and then start a conversation about a different thumping sound they are hearing. Before long we can become pretty good at determining if we have a flat tire or just a thumping noise. I recommend you first check the boy in the backseat. He’s probably the culprit.
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Jerry is the author of “Partners with God, Using His Teachings and Example to Raise Our Kids” and has been a guest speaker at numerous gatherings, firesides and organization events, as well as working as a facilitator for individual families.
Jerry and his wife Melanie are the parents of 12 children and currently have 13 grandchildren.