I gained insight into God and His approach to parenting while milking cows. As a 9 or 10 year old boy, my father sat down with me and my three older brothers (ages 12, 13, and16) and counseled together about an idea that he and my mother had for raising good boys. They knew that we had lots of energy and were likely to use it to some form of no good, unless it was directed in a purposeful way that was meaningful and beneficial to us. Accordingly, with the help of my grandparents, they bought a 40 acre farm.
Dad outlined a plan for us as follows: With the help of a loan from the local bank that he and mom would co-sign, the boys would create Gerard Brothers Dairy. An old house on the farm could be converted to a milking barn, corrals for the cows could be built, and we could use the rest of the land to raise hay and grain to feed the cows.
We all agreed that we would have an equal share of responsibility and an equal share of the profits (after paying the loan payment and other expense) that were created by the venture. The work would be ours and the money would be too. We believed it was a good idea, and were very excited about the prospects of what we could buy with the money from our own business.
The actual work was difficult. We put a new roof on the barn, built out milking stalls, dug post holes and built corrals in the cold weather. When we were done, the cows (purchased from a dairy business 100 miles away) were hauled to their new home, and the process began.
As a very young boy, milking cows at 5:30 am and again at night after school was a big task. It was not uncommon in the winter months to have temperatures well below zero, causing a lot of problems with equipment, cows and frozen fingers. Sometimes, when we were not as diligent as we should have been, the milk would have too much bacteria in it from unclean equipment or cows. This caused the company that bought the milk to mark it with red dye and return it to us without pay. On those days, our efforts were wasted.
Years later after the cows were sold and all the boys had served missions for the LDS Church and been off to college, we were reminiscing about those experiences with our parents. This is the time when I was old enough to fully reflect on what had happened during those years.
My mother was telling us about the numerous times that after one of us whose turn it was to milk had left the house and crossed the road to head to the barn, that my dad would go to the big window in our living room and watch to see if he could detect any problems with the milking that morning. On one such occasion after a lot of dirty milk had been returned and their was a concern about the health of the cows, my mother awoke early and went to the living room where dad was watching through the window. She was obviously concerned about the potential problems and the financial loss that could come and asked: “Jim, what if they ruin the cows?”. She said my dad paused for a moment as if he was reconsidering the same thoughts that she had, and then replied: “Yes, but what if we ruin the boys.”
In that moment I came to understand that milking cows wasn’t about making money or just keeping the boys occupied. It was a plan to give us an opportunity and responsibility and – most importantly – personal growth that could only come from our own experience.
He had designed a plan solely for our benefit. He made the plan known to us and showed how it would be a blessing and benefit to us, then he asked for our approval and involvement. We agreed and the process started. To Latter-Day Saints, that formula should sound very familiar. It is a direct reflection of the Plan of Salvation that came from the Grand Council before the world was that every person on earth chose to be a part of and is now experiencing.
My mother went on to explain another portion of this experience that we had not known before. She told us that on really cold winter mornings my dad would come into the room where we all slept (it was a 2 bedroom, 1 bath home with 6 children), and wake the son whose turn it was to milk that day, so as not to disturb everyone else. My dad would then return to his sleep – or so we thought. What actually happened, is that dad would wait until we had gotten dressed and left the house, then he would get up and get dressed and- unknown to us-follow us across the road and up to the barn.
On many of those cold mornings, the electric motor for the milk line or the propane heater to warm our hands and the water used to wash down the cows would not work properly. My dad would stand outside in the cold to listen for signs of trouble where we would need his help. He would let us do it on our own, if we could, even allowing for time for us to work through the issues as best as we could before coming inside to help out. If we could figure it out and get everything working, he would eventually go back to the house and watch for trouble signs from across the road.
When my mother told us of this, I immediately remembered a number of times, when in the midst of what to me were insurmountable problems, my father always seemed to show up! It had never once occurred to me that he had been outside, waiting in the cold, but allowing me to figure out as much as I could before he interfered.
This was part of the plan too. It is a very important part that allows for our individual growth through struggling and some stress and seeking to make our way, but also understanding – even when we don’t know it that our Father is waiting and will step in to help once we have run out of our own resources and after we have made every effort and exhausted our own strength. This is the very blessing of our life’s experience. We learn from each challenge, trial and triumph. Our experiences teach us the things that our Father already knows. Because he loves us and wants us to be like Him, he allows us to have experiences that start to prepare us for that incredible end.
The experiences of mortality are completely necessary for us to fully understand and gain the growth intended. We must experience the “bitter” before we can truly appreciate the value of the “sweet”.
Sometimes the bitter is bitter cold!
Great parents follow the example of their Heavenly Father. Most of His efforts are focused on teaching principles, not dictating behaviors. Even His commandments are usually accompanied by the blessings and the problems that come from our choices to be obedient. There is no hard coercion on His part.
What He does offer is forgiveness, second chances once we learn we have done wrong, and loving support and encouragement, without letting us justify the wrong doing. In the moments of greatest stress in my life, I rarely recall an absolute revelation or fix to the problem. More often, support comes in the way of a sense of peace and a settled mind to move forward with faith and be patient until it all works out. That process gradually leads me to trust in my own developing capacity to learn and grow from my experience, and to rely on the Lord to help me know I am in the right way, with an understanding that He may only show up, after I have done all I can do on my own.
I have often told my children, that some of us will never turn to God, until we have no one else to turn to. Through these experiences, we gain trust and faith and understanding of the purpose of life. We can also learn other lessons, like how committed we can become to never having to milk another cow!
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Jerry is the author of “Partners with God, Using His Teachings and Example to Raise Our Kids” and has been a guest speaker at numerous gatherings, firesides and organization events, as well as working as a facilitator for individual families.
Jerry and his wife Melanie are the parents of 12 children and currently have 13 grandchildren.