Ever watch dog sled racing? There are actually quite a few movies made about the sport. I became interested in the interaction between the different dogs on a sled team after watching a great movie years ago called “Iron Will”. I fully recommend it to you and your kids, it teaches some great principles.
I learned that in dog sledding, most teams have a lead dog. He is the dog that pulls the others from the front of the harness and is the example, motivator and enforcer. You have to be tough to be the lead dog. An article I read gives the following insight:
“ Modern sled dogs are generally mixed breed (“Alaskan”) huskies who have been bred for generations for their endurance, strength, speed, tough feet, good attitudes and appetites, and most importantly their desire to pull in the harness.”
Many animal species have similar characteristics that center around a single lead figure. I watch the Discovery Channel and see a variety of animals, including mountain goats and elk, who have a ritual for determining who is in charge and consequently gets first pick of mates for reproducing. I guess it is Darwin’s way of explaining “survival of the fittest” and “natural selection”.
This process of determining who is the “Alpha Male” (is this what they mean by “toxic masculinity”?) is pretty rigorous, not to mention life threatening! Usually two—or more—battling for the “top dog” spot smash their heads and horns together for a couple of hours, until one is injured so badly they can’t continue, or figures out they don’t want to smash heads anymore and leaves the battle ground defeated and submissive. The winner gets the spoils.
I have been thinking a lot about families and “lead dogs” lately. I did a little thought process with people I personally know—and know of—and noticed a similar pattern of alpha males with humans. It is based on a couple of theories I have come to believe and which I have no scientific way of proving. So humor me—please.
The first pattern is that fathers who have all the “alpha male” characteristics (I do not use that term in a derogatory way), seem to have at least one child (usually a son), who shares those same characteristics. It is genetic predisposition I suppose. They are smart, motivated, hard working and most comfortable being the one in charge. They are also unafraid to “do battle” as necessary to maintain their status in the herd (either at home, school, work, civic organizations, etc).
Second, those children who share the “Alpha Male” characteristics (again, not a derogatory usage), respond to the interactions with their fathers in a couple of different ways. The ones most like their “lead dog” father, during pre-teen and teen years, start to see their fathers as having a role that they want for themselves, and consequently make efforts to exert their own influence and power to criticize and challenge their dad. It might be a way of testing the alpha male for control. On the other hand, kids less genetically disposed for lead dog traits, quickly assess that they cannot win the battle with him for top dog and simply divert their attention to other pursuits.
The first group tries to battle their father and, if he is willing to fight back to maintain his status, it creates a potentially toxic relationship that can last for years. Strong willed humans—unlike animals—rarely just go away or leave the group without some serious long term resentment and/or disdain.
The second group rarely attains a similar status in adult affairs as their father did. They believe they cannot compete with his status and success so are content with other pursuits and living comfortably in the shadow of his leadership. Some even prefer that role, especially if dad is paying their bills!
Ever notice that some really successful people have leadership struggles when working with their children in the family business, or with their kids never measuring up to their success standards? On the other hand, it is not uncommon for kids from very meager backgrounds to do great things in the world. Not competing with dad may help them to develop their own attributes of success and leadership.
I’m no social or psychological scientist. (You might have noticed). But I have watched a lot of folks go through this process and it seems to play out fairly consistently. I have recognized some of these same processes in my own life and family.
Here’s a thought to consider. In families, there should be room for lead dog training. Even though dad will always be accountable as the lead dog, he doesn’t need to make sure everyone in the home knows it. He can even share the responsibility (which he should already be doing with the other lead dog—his spouse), while training children to be lead dogs too. If dad feels the need to make sure he is always getting others to follow his lead, those same followers will not likely end up being good lead dogs themselves.
How does that training work? Here are a couple of suggestions:
- Talk to the aspiring lead dog(s) and explain to them what it looks like to be a lead dog. Tell them a little bit about things like making your wife feel supported and happy, what it is you do for work to provide for your family, what schooling was required and what it was like, what things really make you happy or discouraged in your lead dog role, etc. Be careful not to tell them what they should do relative to these things. Part of lead dog training is learning to assess risk and make decisions on their own. If you are good at this, you won’t have to offer much advice—they will come ask for it.
- Acknowledge that there are a few things you wish you had done better as a lead dog and a couple of things that you feel you need to work on going forward.
- Apologize for specific times that you acted like a charging ram and promise to try harder. Invite the aspiring lead dog to give you some suggestions on how you are doing and how you might do better. Take their suggestions seriously! Explain to them that your most important role as the lead dog is to help them become lead dogs too, but even better ones than you have been.
- Invite them to consider some ways where they can take the point of the harness on a few items in the family and be the lead dog on those items. Then let them lead without interfering with the execution and performance, giving them room to make mistakes and learn from that experience without criticism.
- In extreme cases, you might consider showing them a movie of rams knocking their heads together to determine who is in charge and explain that you think that is what animals do—not children of God—and you have no desire to go through that drill.
- Finally tell them that since you aren’t battling each other for power (like animals), that you aren’t going to try and control or force their behavior. YOUR REAL GOAL IS TO CONTROL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR AND HELP THEM TO LEARN TO CONTROL THEIRS SO YOU CAN BOTH HELP LEAD PACKS OF YOUR OWN. You can support each other in these efforts.
The responses to this discussion will likely vary depending on the kid. A few possibilities might include them gaining a whole new level of respect for your role, and a little more willingness to follow as they see how much work is involved with being the lead dog. They may not want any involvement with that “adulting” stuff, and head back to the video game!
The ones with more lead dog characteristics may want to suggest or ask what lead roles they can play and jump right in. In this case, you just created a lead dog partner that can actually make your life a little easier by being less combative and instead helping to pull. As the child starts to play this new role, don’t be controlling of his technique and approach. Focus on the results, and ask them if they see another way that might work better. Be especially careful that they don’t start being the forceful type of lead dog to siblings or others they work with. This can be an important part of the training you provide.
Finally, if neither of those responses fit, you now likely have a child that understands what matters to you and that you are making an effort to do the best you can in their behalf. This likely leads to more personal responsibility to not add to the load you are pulling—even if they aren’t yet interested in pulling more themselves.
In all of this, remember, “ We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men (lead dogs especially?) as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion. Hence many are called but few are chosen. No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned: By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—reproving betimes with sharpness (read clarity and precision—not force), when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou has reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death” (D&C 121: 39-44).
This is a high standard for all—especially lead dogs! A couple verses later tell us the evidence of being good at it. “…Thy scepter (shall be) an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever” (vs 46).
It seems that in the eternal scheme of things lead dogs are the ones that everyone wants to follow—not the ones that try to force them to. It is a high standard, but becomes proof of the very best of those who desire to pull the sled.
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Jerry is the author of “Partners with God, Using His Teachings and Example to Raise Our Kids” and has been a guest speaker at numerous gatherings, firesides and organization events, as well as working as a facilitator for individual families.
Jerry and his wife Melanie are the parents of 12 children and currently have 13 grandchildren.