A few years ago I visited a family that was struggling with a couple of teenage boys. It was mostly the usual stuff: disrespect, irresponsibility at home, failing to do school work, etc. When the testosterone kicks in, common sense and good judgment often take a break. This isn’t just a boy thing. The same occurs with teenage girls. It is generally manifest in different ways, but just as evident, and sometimes scarier!
This particular family is as conscientious as any I have ever known. Mom spends her life trying to do good by her kids and neighbors, helping them in every possible way. (That extra “help” with the kids may have added a little to the problem). Dad is responsible, hard working and honest. They have all the makings of a model bunch. It just wasn’t coming together as everyone hoped.
The first night I met with them was a little tense. None of the kids were excited to be there, and the parents were anxious and maybe even embarrassed by the obvious sentiment in the room. Thankfully, nothing creating long-term damage had yet occurred between family members and I was confident that they were able and willing to consider some ideas and make some changes.
As we reluctantly sat together in the living room, I started the conversation by asking a question. It was something like this: If you went on a family trip together and came home to see that your basement had a foot of standing water, what would you do? I tried to get every family member to respond, so as to make sure they were engaged and thinking about a solution. The answers varied and (as I recall) were something like this: Oldest son: “Grab a bucket”; Mom: “Call for help”; Dad “Turn the water off”. Then I explained to them, that the most obvious answer (to me) was the same as Dad’s: turn off the water! I would first make an effort to stop more water from coming in the house by turning off the main valve and then look for (or call a professional) to find the source of the leak. Once the source of the problem was handled, I would then start the cleanup process. It was insightful to consider Mom’s response of calling for help, as that is what she did to get me into their home!
I think the metaphor here is pretty obvious when we think about it. If water is continuing to come in, our efforts at getting it out are largely ineffective. Kind of like scooping water out of a boat that has a hole in it. It can only go on for so long before you sink. We must first stop the obvious source of the problem, then go to work on the cleanup. The same is true in our families. If there are continual behaviors that never allow us to get to the root of the problems, we will always be “flooded.” Everyone must decide the source of the “leaks” together and commit to doing their part to stop them. Only then can the real remodeling begin.
Our discussion that night led us into applying this concept to their family relationships. We talked about the “source” of the water and what was making it “deeper” and how that was making it nearly impossible to start the cleanup. We agreed that there was some “bad blood” about comments made and resentment from both kids and parents about unmet expectations and responsibilities. We discussed behavioral patterns (of parents and children) over time that would need to be addressed to help in the “cleanup”, but first we all agreed to “stop the water.” No more angry outbursts or accusations. No more blaming others for personal failures and a little more effort at acknowledgment and gratitude for help. That first visit was solely focused on “turning off the water.”
The water got turned off! There were still occasional drips here and there as everyone participated in the cleanup, but the process dried out the basement, replaced the carpet and repainted the walls. Those kids, that were failing in school and always seemed to be in some kind of altercation, are grown up now. They have served missions and gone to college. One is now married to a great young woman. They look pretty good all cleaned up! Mom and Dad are pretty proud of their efforts—as they should be. It all started with them working hard to turn off the water that was causing the damage, then consider new ways to remodel their behaviors to leave their family relationships looking good—even brand new!
Here is the funny part of the story. Several years after that first meeting and tons of progress had been made, the family went out of town for a short trip. When they returned home, guess what they found? True story! The basement was flooded. This time, the first thing they did was look for the source of the water. Once it was turned off and fixed, they started the cleanup and complete remodel of the basement. It looks great! Just like their family.
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Jerry is the author of “Partners with God, Using His Teachings and Example to Raise Our Kids” and has been a guest speaker at numerous gatherings, firesides and organization events, as well as working as a facilitator for individual families.
Jerry and his wife Melanie are the parents of 12 children and currently have 13 grandchildren.